Bitches Of Epic Doom
by The Phantom Dragon
Summary: Mass chaos is rained down upon the sexist bastards of Twilight. So, being nauseatingly sick from the movies, my blood compensation seeking plot bunnies concocted this lovely tale of wolves, white face blood suckers, and whatever-ye-may that my brain tortures out of the boys. WARNING! Epic Volturi, Edward, and Jacob bashing- Seth gets it too because my plot bunny likes being mean.


_**I am working on all my other stories- cross my heart and hope to god all my plot bunnies never die- but I just couldn't take it with this fic pissing me off all the time.**_

_**It all began one lovely, slightly inebriated evening- as most evenings that tend to lead to either disaster or some really awesome shit going down (don't believe me? go check the muses for half my stories). So my friends thought it would be funny to dare me to watch all the Twilight movies, and not being one to back down I accepted and succeeded. Except now I want to take a weed whacker to the limbs and fur of wolves and vampires alike- especially after Breaking Dawn (now you know how people get inspired to make movies like Texas Chainsaw Massacre).**_

_**So here is my rant/make over fest for the horror that doesn't even deserve the title 'fiction' much less the compliment of 'good'.**_

_**And yes, to answer any questions, I have a minor habit of naming chapters after songs.**_

**On My Way**

**RPOV**

"This! Is! Ridiculous!" I emphasized on each step as I hauled the last box out the front door and into the back of my car. "Why can't I just stay here? Alvarita already said it would be fine for me to bunk at her place."

Dad sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "We already talked about this. I won't be here to handle things when you get in trouble _and_ I promised your mom I would take you back for at least a year. Now is as good a time as any, wouldn't you agree?"

Nooooo… I would not agree. If I wanted to learn about my ancestry on Mommy dearly departed's side I could do it in about a week or so as a summer project if they weren't too strict or stuck up, up there on the reservation. But somehow I didn't get the feeling anyone would be sweating buckets over the prospect of a half-breed who didn't care not learning the secrets of her _glorious_ ancestry.

No offense or anything, but I already knew the basics of most Native American culture and beliefs, so this was most unnecessarily uncalled for. And a year would seriously cut back on my apprenticeship under Alvarita, something I was most definitely miserable about. But the worst part is I have no ties to the place save one, and I'm not really sure how much it counted for.

Then again, I am _me_ for a reason.

"I know _that_ look and I am not going to let you get away kiddo. Look I already talked to the school principal and she gets that you're going to be a bit… different."

Ha- snort- _understatement_!

"But come one, I mean, you love the wild, and it's all gloomy and Dracula's castle-y up there."

Oh HELL NAW! You did _not_ just insult Stoker's imagination.

"You're going to love it up there." Yes I would, about as much as getting courted by those pretty little bitches from the Night Class in Matsuri Hino's Vampire Knight Series. Transylvania was haunted and adorably spooky, even when Mel Brooks was cheerfully using its requietory bloody sunset and superstitious peasants for joint rolling paper. La Push was… well… wet, and boring- as I recall the last and only time I was there ten years ago being; and from what I've managed to gather, still is.

Still, dad had spoken and his word was final. Normally he let me have my way so long as it wasn't potentially going to lead me to doing something illegal- he knew I was much smarter than that- but this time he was laying down the law. He was being pulled up to D.C. to help with a case he'd been helping investigate for the last six months and he'd decided to ship me away for my junior year of high school.

"_Do not think of it as a burden, but as a possibility to expand your knowledge with a new experience and senses." _Of course, as soon as dad made up his mind Alvarita had subtly retracted her offer for me to stay with her by pulling the whole 'broaden your horizons' pep talk. And she, more than dad, I did not care to piss off.

So that is how I found myself sulking as I drove down the anticipated-ly soggy roads leading to good ol' La Push, Washington- not D.C.- on a predictably cloudy Thursday afternoon. At least dad had had the decency to send my car packed with all my stuff on the train with me to Seattle, knowing I would have made miserable the lives of any transport company unfortunate enough to be chosen to transport my baby.

I sighed and checked my phone's GPS once more, merely out of boredom because, sadly, there was no conceivable way to get lost out here no matter how much I wished it. Even with the stereo cranked up to blast all my favorite bands at the highest volume I was still miserable. Voltaire- for the first time- was actually failing to make me smile.

_Tell everybody I'm on my way  
New friends and new places to see…_

"Ok," I grimaced and hit next on my MP4, "let's just stick to metal for now shall we?

"At least one of us is enjoying this," I sniped in the general direction of the backseat. Beretta turned her head around to shoot me an accusing glare in the rear-view mirror for ruining her enjoyment of the scenery. "Well, I mean, now you have plenty of squirrels and other crunchy snacks to chase, and plants to dig up without the neighbors complaining. Not to mention you get to show off your coat this year since I don't have to worry about you overheating."

Beretta heaved herself up to snap her jaws what most people would have considered dangerously close to my ear before licking it. Her way of saying _'your being a bitch but I still love you'. _

"Yeah, yeah," I grumbled and wiped my face with a sleeve, "rub it in why don't 'cha."

Dad had been right that I love the wild and wouldn't normally mind being here, except for the fact my arm was being twisted in this decision. If there is one thing I hate most in this world next to bullies and that could turn me off to an idea it's being forced to do something against my will. Plus, this feeling hanging over the place was water logging my chakras.

Following the Google guide, I found myself up in the middle of nowhere somewhere along the road about five minutes outside the town of Forks. The address I had punched into my phone deposited me in the gravel parking lot of a fairly decent-if-rustic-looking bar with a nice backdrop of fir trees and rocks. Drum roll please, it was time to introduce myself to the lion. You know, the original decree was that you would be _cast_ into the den, it never said anything about defending yourself, I have always wondered about that.

Leaving Beretta with a command to 'stay' I climbed out and took my sweet time stretching out the kinks in my back and legs from the drive. The first thing I was going to do after getting settled in my new place would be to go for a very _long_ walk in the forest with my pooch.

The place looked like one of those old Western saloons with the bare wood boards making up a deeply scared front porch and those swinging saloon doors painted up with tribal art. Oh goodie.

Inside looked just like any other bar, dim-ish lights, cheap, heavy furniture, neon signs, and a giant bar with enough alcohol to drown any woe in. At least it didn't smell of stale sweat and cigarette smoke like a number of other places I've been and the music was pretty decent.

Behind the bar two people stopped making out long enough for the guy to glare at me in the giant mirror back of the display shelves. "No minors allowed," he growled.

"Well hallo ta' you too Granddaddy-kins."

If there was one thing guaranteed to piss off Arturo faster than cobra spit in the eye it was the G-D word. He immediately disentangled himself from the chick and looked at me like I'd just taken an ax to the bar or something.

"Raven?" Who else?

"Were you expecting another grand-bitch perhaps?" I jibbed with a cheerful smirk. Although shorter than me by about two inches Arturo is the kind of guy most people think twice about crossing. To be honest he looks more like the bandit boss from one of those old western films with wild black hair and matching steel eyes, mustache, and prison tats on life toughened skin; all in all looking pretty damn well preserved for his sixty-plus years. Oh this was going to be fun.

"You know what, take your time," I smirked impishly and made a shooing motion while backing up to the front door. "Fuzz ball could probably use a walk anyway."

Arturo glared at me and grabbed a set of keys off a hook, yelling to someone named Fred in the back that he was going out. The bimbo followed him around the counter with a fake pout and Arturo muttered something about coming back in a bit before joining me at the door.

"I thought you weren't going to be here till dinner time."

I huffed through my nose and followed him out to the porch. "Trust me, I delayed as long as possible in Seattle but dad is going to call and ask to talk to you to make sure I got here before dark." Although generally pretty cool, the one downside of an F.B.I. father was the ingrained paranoia of all law enforcers. I had refused to let him come with me, so I could more than count on dad to be breathing down my neck until at least the second week of school. And from the look Arturo gave me the last thing either of us wanted was an irate father popping up unexpectedly because he got absence jitters.

"Well let's get you settled then." I wordlessly followed as he went to climb in a fairly decent looking Ford pickup.

Beretta met me with a slightly accusing stare as I climbed back in the driver seat of my '68 Chevy Impala. Oh god, the humidity was going to _kill_ my baby in a creeping plague of rust and mildew. The first order of business after getting settled would be to lock baby in a garage with heaters to make sure everything was dry before hosing down every conceivably moving part with WD-40 and rubbing down the seats with the strongest protective wax the stores in Forks had to offer until I could get something stronger.

And I needed to let my dog out for a very _long_ run in the woods above all else.

Perfect. Just a lovely introductory day to my new life for the next year.

That is- if this utterly depressive cloud hanging over, well, _everything_- didn't _smother_ me first. Sometimes I hate being aura sensitive.

* * *

_**So the joyride begins. If you don't like Pack bashing then stop right here because I have no problem using you for a summoning ritual.**_

_**Comments are love. **_


End file.
